10 Things...

So, Ms. Yancey at Hotel Hot Sheet on occasion reads another blog I subscribe to, Crazy Hotel Workers.

I've been pretty much a regular poster there for almost 3 years now, most of the posts are about co-worker blunders and rude/stupid guests. Ms Yancey is apparrently going to write an article based on what we tell her advising guests what NOT to do when staying at a hotel. Most of the time, these self-proclaimed 'travel experts' actually don't know jack about how hotels really work and will just spout out what they think a hotel should and shouldn't do.

In Ms Yancey's case, however, she's no fool and usually tells it like it is.

So here's MY list of 10 things NOT to do at a hotel:

1. Never ever be rude to the front desk clerk for any reason. I decide where you sleep and if I feel like putting you next to the dumpster where the bums hang out, I will. I don't care how pissed off or 'important' you are, I have your name, address, phone and credit card number. I have the potential to do a lot of dammage to your credit rating, asshole.
2. Never ever be rude to the housekeeper for any reason. It's just a really dumb idea to piss off someone who has access to your personal belongings while you're away. I did housekeeping for 6 years, I've stolen about $2,000 worth of stuff at just one hotel from people who think they're better than me, and I never got caught. "Housekeeping, you need pillow?" Wasn't funny the first 8,000 times I heard it, but hey, thanks for the new watch!
   
3. Turn off your damn cell phone. I hate it when corporate snob types come up to my desk yammering away on a phone while I'm trying to do my job. If you want MY undivided attention, I want YOURS. Or you can just fuck off.
4. Never book a hotel room on the internet. You're getting ripped off in ways you can't even begin to imagine, plus if something goes wrong during your stay and you want a refund you have to kowtow to the company you booked with and not the hotel. Shatner, I love you, but Priceline sucks ass.
5. If something is wrong with the room, anything at all, tell us right away. Too many people wait until it's way too late to tell us about a stopped up toilet or a broken light. As soon as you notice something, tell us! You're not bothering us, it's our job to help our guests, as long as you're honest we don't mind helping you out of a jam. If you wait until Friday to tell me about the toilet that stopped up on Wednesday, I won't apologize and I won't give you any refunds. If it was THAT much of an issue in the first place, you'd have said something right away.
   
6. But on that note, if there is a problem that we CAN'T fix right away, sometimes we just don't have certain options available. If your non-smoking room smells like a biker-bar, in most cases we'll be happy to move you to a different room. But we only have so many of those available, and if we're sold out you're fucked. Sorry, but that's just how it is. I'll give you options, but at that point you can take what I offer or you can leave my hotel.
   
7. Oh yeah, and Sold Out means just that: SOLD OUT. You're not getting a room unless you had a reservation, and if you had a reservation you'll take what I have available and that's that. Don't ask, don't plead, don't beg, you're still not getting a room because I just don't have any available. The Virgin Mary is sleeping under a bridge tonight, pal, I'M SOLD OUT!
8. Please, for the love of Bruce, have a photo-ID handy. Especially if you're paying for your room with cash. And don't get pissy with me when I ask for it, either. I have no way of knowing if you are who you say you are, the ID is for that purpose. Identity theft is so common these days, any little bit we can do to prove we're not making bogus transactions helps keep bill collectors and detectives off our asses.
9. Your kids are your responsibility, period. No, you may not let your spawnlings run around my hotel like animals while you fiddle with your BlackBerry. People pay to sleep here, not be kept awake by your little brats wreaking havoc. Do your job and be a fucking parent already, you assumed all responsibility for that life-form the moment you pushed it out of your snooch. And if my bitching isn't enough to convince you to be responsible for your offspring, a phone call to DHS just might. I've done it before, I can do it again.
10. And finally, but most importantly, no means no. No, I do not have weekly rates. No, we do not have a hot-tub (anymore.) No, sir, you will not be given a refund for the stopped up toilet you waited 3 days to tell us about. No means no means no, end of story. Unless you're my boss, I don't answer to you. I'll do whatever I can to make your stay enjoyable, but within reason. If I'm out of something, unable to do something, or just don't have an option available, then sorry but you're SOL and JWF.